Who Are You?

Who are you?
Who are you really?
What defines you?

You don't have to know the answer.
I don't always know the answer, and perhaps I never have.
Some days, I am "myself," and I know exactly what that means.
Other days, I am someone else...and I don't like it.
Or maybe I do.
It all depends.

I think this is called being young; I haven't met a single person who always knew who they were. The eternal question burns within all of us: Who am I?
But I'm here to tell you it doesn't matter.
You don't have to know who you are.
You are YOU.
Who cares exactly what that means?

We are all obsessed with the idea that we must "find ourselves" in order to accomplish our goals; in order to be successful and worthy people.
But, as it turns out, the more I search for myself, the more I lose myself.
So who am I? It doesn't matter who I am.

But it does matter what I have, and I have a lot:
I have love.
I have grace.
I have power.
I have kind words.
I have a friendly smile.
I have compassion.
I have a gentle spirit.
I have gifts.
I have elegance.
I have understanding.
I have wisdom.
I have true beauty.

I don't always have all of these things; to be honest I maybe have a maximum of one at a time on a good day.
But that is not what defines me as a worthy person.
All of these are not "who I am", they are simply what I can attain.
But I can only have these things if I diligently seek them.
If I seek to understand them.
If I seek to use them for the good of those around me, and never for my own gain.

But I am comforted to know that my worth is not found in these things either.
My worth is calculated by someone entirely out of my playing field.
I don't have to know exactly "how much" I am worth, and neither do you.
It matters very little, in the grand scheme of things.

What matters is what I pursue.
These are my defining attributes.
For these I will be remembered and influential; not for who I am.

Because "this is just the way I am" is no longer an excuse. (It never was)
Since your worth is separate from just "who you are", you must make your actions be worth something. Because your actions are not affected by "who you are,"
they are affected by what you choose to have, and what how you choose to use it.

So don't worry about who you are.
Don't worry at all.
Instead, choose beauty; choose worthy actions.
Be you, and have the things that make you wonderful.

An Understatement

This is my best friend.
She got married today.
She moved across the country alongside the man she loves.
I have tried to explain how it feels, but I can't.
I wrote them a speech.
I tried to say it.
And it was an understatement.
Saying that I am proud is an understatement. Saying that I am happy is an understatement. Saying that I am sad is an understatement. I don't know how to explain the deep turnings inside me as I watched someone who holds a large part of my heart begin a beautiful new life. It is so strange how you can be happy and sad and overwhelmed and excited and filled with the most bittersweet joy all at the same time. It's really beautiful. Our human words cannot convey what we feel, really. Not ever. We come close, but time and again we cannot truly say what our soul feels. I think this is partly what the Bible means when it talks about the Holy Spirit interceding for us with groanings too deep for words. (Romans 8:26) I believe that there is a language beyond human language. It is found somewhere between our humanity and our spirituality. It is what God knows about you that you cannot explain. It is your deepest prayers. It is the longings that you feel without knowing why. It's the reason that some people can look into your eyes, hear your voice, feel your touch; they know what you feel without you having to say it. How else can you truly express intense love, joy, and empathy? Without words. I'm not talking about telepathy, I'm talking about the place in every man's soul that is only accessible to God. I'm not trying to be a heretic or anything; I can't pretend to know anything special about it. But I do know that God understands our hearts when we do not. Somehow, inexplicably, there is a way to say something without saying it. Those who have the Holy Spirit have experienced this. We have the Spirit; we have groanings that are too deep for words. But we see in a mirror dimly; we do not see as we will one day. Sometimes we can hear each other speaking, but we have to listen. It's a whisper, a breath, a glimpse of what lies within the complexities of our souls. It is beautiful, and I believe in it.
So, all that I am going to say about my dear friend
and her new husband is that I feel what I feel.
She feels what she feels.
He feels what he feels.
We feel something too deep for words.
To say it would be an understatement.

Gardening...

Today, we are gardening together as a family! I always garden best in overalls, but today a sundress and wide-brimmed hat will have to do. I love working in the sunshine, feeling the dirt on my hands, and knowing that I'm almost as awesome as Laura Ingalls Wilder. (Ha.) It will be exciting to see the fruits (and vegetables) of our labor... I hope we have lots of awesome produce this year.

And later today, after a big breakfast and a morning in the sunshine, we'll be off to a wedding! It looks to be a fun-filled and happy day... Happy Saturday!

Summer Livin'

I'm freeeeeeeeee!
Yesterday, I finished my last final of high school. That means freedom!!
...Until college.
Many of my friends and family members can tell you how exhausting and overwhelming the last few weeks of school were for me. I was stressed out, grouchy, worried, etc... (Sorry guys!) Even after I was done, I just sat there all day staring at everything with glazed-over eyes. But now, it's all over, and no more papers, tests, or projects!
It's a new day, a new summer, and I'm super excited!
After my literature final yesterday (the last one!) I celebrated summer by going to lunch with some awesome friends. And then I was surprised with these lovely flowers by the sweetest guy I know. His name starts with  J and ends with N, and he continued to prove his sweetness by buying me lunch. (Hopefully he doesn't read this and get a big head.) I put them in a mason jar to prove that I'm artsy and pinterest-y. At least that's my story.

After lunch, I spent a sleepy afternoon with my sweet nephews and nieces, sister Katya, and cousin Tiana, who is visiting for a few weeks! We then all (minus Tiana and plus Sophie and my parents) skipped off to watch an Isotopes game, which was a very boring game with few hits but we had fun spending time together. 

I honestly don't remember much because I was falling asleep.

But today I awoke with new energy, and attacked my summer with gusto. Here's a few things I'm doing with my first day of summer:

1. Cleaned a bunch. I'm not sure why, but a clean room, house, etc... gives a kind of joy that I think only certain crazy people understand.

2. The first day of summer of course needs a bright and cheery outfit. And Sophie declared that pictures must be taken, thus.... this. 

3. I adapted a new hairstyle. I parted my hair on the wrong side today, and have regretted it ever since. But, it's growing on me. No pun intended.

4. Quilting! My mom is going to show me and Sophie how to *not* ruin a quilt. We'll see how this one turns out.

So that's my first day of summer so far!

To my two readers: What are you doing to celebrate summer?

Beginnings

A new beginning.

I've always thought that new beginnings are somewhat scary.

• Starting a new job.
• Moving to someplace new.
• Beginning a new relationship.
• Making a new friend.
• Going to college for the first time.
• Getting married.
• Forming a new company.
• Having a baby.

The list goes on...
New beginnings are meant to be challenging, although there are some that are more
difficult than others. I think that if we weren't a little scared of what's ahead we would lose the excitement that life has to offer. For me, finishing high school, starting a new relationship, going to college for the first time... It's a little overwhelming! But it's not always about the changes. For many, the chance to start fresh is exciting, relieving, or jubilant. There are so many adventures that lie ahead. But even though starting something new is a good thing, there are still times when I feel reluctant to part with my old familiar ways; to step out of my comfort zone. But doing just that is what the great adventure of life is all about.
So, to mark the new beginnings of this brand new summer, I decided to start writing.
My literature teacher has always told me to pursue and explore my gifts in writing, but I never really thought it was "my thing." I could analyze Shakespeare and come up with silly stories all day, but when it comes to writing about myself, I've always fallen short.
So that's the reason that I've decided to start over.
With my face to the sunshine and a sense of adventure in the air, I'm going for it.
A new beginning.